No I'm not over it yet: righteous anger, system change and the power of unsilence

The other day, in the pub in which I now work, I saw a man from my old life, the corporate one, who treated me pretty badly.

I got on with my job. I collected glasses, delivered plates of delicious food, I spoke with other customers. I didn't twitch one eyelash.

But later on my break I texted a good friend: "X has come to the pub. I hate him, still."

She replied, the friend who'd watched me two years ago sobbing in disbelief at the manipulations and lies he told after our professional relationship broke down. "Still not over it yet?" she said.

The myth of forgiveness

There's an idea that in order to lead happy lives, we should erase the memory of those who've done us wrong. "You're better than that," "the best revenge is a life well-lived", "still not over it yet?"

The problem with this is firstly, we often repeat patterns, seeking out replacement tormentors in futile attempts to replay the match with a different result.

Secondly, it tempts us to settle for "surviving in spite" of trauma-inducing people and events, rather than "thriving as the result of" adversity. And that's an important distinction: by assimilating our experiences with reflections and research, we become wiser, stronger, and better able to navigate the world.